Department of Toy Delivery (DOTD) Press Release by John 'Falconeer' Ellenberger Due to continuing tensions around the globe, Santa's job of delivering toys has become more hazardous than ever. Therefore, it is the duty of the DOTD (Department Of Toy Delivery) to inform the nations of the world that any actions taken against Santa Claus (AKA Kris Kringle) will be met with extreme force. The DOTD has recently completed the updating of Santa's self defense capability (which previously had consisted only of the possibility of reindeer feces). Santa, who in the past relied on stealth and nape of earth routes to avoid threats, will now meet those threats head on. The DOTD Order of Battle is as follows:

   

Two (2) Elven Combat Systems EC-5B 'Snowbird' AWACS Aircraft

The EC-5B 'Snowbird' gives Santa significant real-time threat detection and analysis capability. In addition to its advanced aircraft/SAM/AAM detection capabilities, it also boasts leading edge 'Regional Religious Behavior Detection' or 'RRBD'. RRBD allows Santa to determine at a glance the naughty/nice factor of anyone within the Snowbird's detection radius. 'I killed that man for Allah/Christ/Vishnu/Thor/etc' will no longer get you off the hook.

Two (2) Squadrons (24 aircraft) Arctic Aircraft Limited A-25C 'Retribution' Attack Fighters

The A-25C was designed from the ground up for unbeatable all weather/all condition ground attack missions. Capable of both 'Lone Wolf' interdiction and 'Wolf Pack' strikes, the Retribution's 12 underwing hard points are capable of carrying anything in the DOTD's arsenal, up to and including nuclear ordnance. An extremely survivable aircraft, the A-25C can handle the world's worse threat zones (at the time of this writing, Bosnia and Miami, Florida). Those individuals thinking it's funny to shoot at the funny looking sleigh after a Christmas Eve bender will receive a very rude surprise.

Four (4) Kami International Industries EB-13R 'Coal Stocking' ECM Aircraft (Equipped with the ECS RJ-4D 'Rudolf's Nose' Radar Jamming gear)

The long-range threat posed by modern SAM/AAM/AAA weapons can easily cross national boundaries. Toy Delivery missions must get through to their targets in easily the most dangerous air environment since Chicago's O'Hare Airport in the 1970's. In order to facilitate the safe and effective completion of the DOTD's objectives, an effective counter must be available.

The EB-13R 'Coal Stocking' is capable of detecting, analyzing, and, if need be, jamming any and all electromagnetic signals within its area of operation. The primary tool used is the Elven Combat Systems RJ-4D 'Rudolf's Nose' radar jamming system. The RJ-4D is capable of completely hands-free operation in a high threat environment, and will send targeting information and threat profiles to any other aircraft in the DOTD inventory.

The EB-13R is also a capable 'Wild Weasel' in its own right. Paired with the Snowman Ordnance Company's AGM-93 'Moon Shot' anti-radiation missile (the EB-13R is capable of carrying 12 AGM-93's internally, with another 12 on wing pylons with a slight degradation of stealth capability), this platform can knock out any known SAM/AAM/AAA/TV Station. The next time you're watching 'Jerry Springer' or 'Married With Children' when you should be out caroling, don't get too close to the set.

Three (3) Squadrons (36 aircraft) Reindeer Aerocombat F-42B 'Avenger' Air Superiority Fighters

With the recent introduction of the Russian Su-37 and the imminent introduction of the American F-22, the air combat arena is now more lethal than a Christmas Eve sale at the mall. Large numbers of capable fighters are in the hands of anyone with enough money to purchase them. As the DOTD's offensive capability has increased to deal with new world tensions, so must its ability to protect that offensive capability from threats.

The Reindeer Aerocombat F-42B 'Avenger' is the world's most capable fighter aircraft, bar none. Capable of everything between beyond visible range (BVR) and the close in knife-fight, the F-42B's thrust to weight ratio is an astounding 3.2 to 1. Its advanced life support cockpit enables up to and including 14 positive G's (5 negative G's). The F-42B's weapons systems are capable of targeting through RADAR, LIDAR, EB-13R data transmission, EC-5B telemetry, EM emissions, TADS, and target pilot attitude ('naughty' targets are picked up from a quarter of a hemisphere away).

The F-42B carries eight (8) SOC AIM-17T 'Shaft' air to air missiles in twin internal rotary launchers (additional ordnance can be carried on wing pylons with the accompanying degradation in stealth). The Snowman Ordnance Company's AIM-17T has a 99% kill record due to its advanced avionics and flight characteristics. A real-time profile of the targeting systems of the F-42B are downloaded to the missile just prior to launch.

Integral to the F-42B are three (3) tri-barrel 20mm cannon. Two of these weapons are mounted in gimbal mounts bearing forward. The weapons can be tracked to a single target or on two different targets via the onboard fire control systems. When armed, the guns automatically fire when a targeting solution is achieved. The third gun is mounted in a dorsal turret, for rearward aircraft/missile defense, or to get that other guy who was in the wrong place at the wrong time. The moral of this story: don't even THINK of mucking around in Santa's airspace.

One (1) Claus Aerospace Mk.1R 'Santa's Sleigh'

The Mk.1R 'Santa's Sleigh' has been in the DOTD inventory since day one. The capability of this platform for precision toy delivery missions is legendary. The latest 'R' model includes titanium air crew/power plant protection, improved threat detection hardware, integral 'RRBD', and a twice-increased volume of toy munitions dispersal.

Conclusion

It is the hope of the Department of Toy Delivery (DOTD) that the world will be filled with the spirit of Christmas, making these preparations unnecessary. But for those few who persist in ruining the holidays for everyone, it is the DOTD's intention to rigorously pursue the spirit of Christmas; no matter what the casualties or collateral damage to those few might be.

To join Norad in tracking Santa click HERE.